DOGROY interviews comedian Harry Hussey

Shplain who y'are

Harry Hussey, a middle aged man from Cork who somehow thought it was a good thing to start doing stand-up comedy this year. I blame lockdowns.

What brings ya to these here parts?

I was asked nicely by Propagandroy. Manners go a long way.

What's yer greatest crime?

At least one dodgy 90s haircut.

What's yer weapon of choice?

My mind and wits. I’m a rubbish fighter.

What's the most powerfulest thing ya've ever done?

Giving the definitive performance of my generation as the squirrel in Hamlet. What do you mean what squirrel...?

What is your favourite poo?

That welcome one after a day of no movement.

What's yer fayvorit bayst te ryde or get ryd by?

A horse or donkey, but only using the sense of ‘ride’ that means ‘use as a means of transport’. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t go in for baysts in that other sense.

If ya were the High King o' the Land, what would ya be at?

Trying to sort things out so that everyone could be as satisfied with their lot as possible, providing affordable housing, top class medical care, adequate amenities and so on. That, or I’d be playing road bowls using Fabergé eggs.

What's the most spine tingling thing ya've ever seen?

Cannon and Ball live in Blackpool (the one in England) when I was ten. First live comedy I ever saw, a wonder it didn’t put me off for life.

Attack: Charm offensive.

Defence: Shouting ‘don’t hit me in the face or balls’ and adopting the foetal position.

Power: An uncanny ability to become invisible when waiting at the bar in a pub.

Fear: Death, collapse of ecosystems, Mrs. Brown’s Boys.

Smell: Between gorse or hawthorn blossom on a pleasant day in May.

Dreams: Used to have a recurring one where I could float slightly above the ground in a standing position, down along streets, like a shit superhero.

What d'ya think o' me mother?

I’m sure that Mrs. Dogroy is a lovely woman, and would be very proud of her son.

Length of willy or husband's willy:

Long enough that I don’t wet my feet at a urinal.

How d'ya expect te die?

When my life functions fail.

Favourite shape (No 3D ones please):

Isoceles triangle. Would have gone for a dodecahedron if 3D ones were allowed. Which they’re not. So I didn’t.

Dogroy’s questions had to be transcribed for him by his mother because he is retarded.