DOGROY interviews comedian and actor Stephen Ryan

Shplain who y'are

I am a stand up comedian and actor from Limerick

What brings ya to these here parts?

Nothing and I should know, sir. I've always been here.

What's yer greatest crime?

Being too gorgeous.

What's yer weapon of choice?

People say that the pen is mightier than the sword, but you rarely hear them badmouthing a halberd

What's the most powerfulest thing ya've ever done?

Once in Ripley's Believe It or Not in New York City they had an exhibition whereby you could compete against Lance Armstrong on a cycling simulator. I gave it my all and I stayed with him for about a minute before I got tired. Given his subsequent disgrace for use of illicit substances I consider him disqualified from that simulation and consider it a win. It's not about the bike.

What is your favourite poo?

Coprolite

What's yer fayvorit bayst te ryde or get ryd by?

The Mongolian Horse

If ya were the High King o' the Land, what would ya be at?

Growing paranoid, primogeniture as a means of succession fosters political turmoil.

What's the most spine tingling thing ya've ever seen?

Stenosis

Attack: No Thanks

Defence: No Thanks

Power: Yes Please

Fear: No Thanks

Smell: Lavender

Wealth: Yes Please

What d'ya think o' me mother?

To paraphrase Oliver Wendell Holmes: Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; a mother’s secret outlives them all.

Length of willy or husband's willy:

When it is not unfurled, 2πr

How d'ya expect te die?

One day at a time

Favourite shape (No 3D ones please):

The pentagram (a real big one)

Dogroy’s questions had to be transcribed for him by his mother because he is retarded.