DOGROY interviews comedian Thomas Lawrance. Here are his Lawranswers

Shplain who y'are

My entire genome has been mapped on Instagram at @thomaslawrancecomedian

Where'd ya come outta?

Derby, England. Neither northern enough to claim Northernness, nor south enough to accept Southernness, a true midland, a neverworld, a liminal geography, a crime scene

What brings ya to these here parts?

I came here to feed birds and headline gigs - and I’m all outta birdseed

What's yer greatest crime?

I used to steal MP3s from YouTube and burn them to CDs, which I would then colour gold with a marker pen

What's yer weapon of choice?

Loyal cat (claws, teeth)

What's the most powerfulest thing ya've ever done?

Confessed to the frontman of Electric Six that I stole two of his songs from YouTube

What is your opinion on poo?

I don't think an existential artwork can be considered meaningful until it contends with the imperfect fact of defecation. The Unbearable Lightness of Being rightfully devotes an entire chapter to the moral and spiritual implications of digestion, and Joyce confronts his Modernist readers with literary figures who dare to eat and shit (just as Hitchcock terrifies us in Psycho with cinema’s first flushing toilet) personally speaking, it’s not for me

If ya were the High King o' the Land, what would ya be at?

Sorry, I decline the position; too much historical baggage and I am a socialist

What's the most spine tingling thing ya've ever seen?

A pigeon warped inside-out by a roadsweeper outside a Greggs in Derby, feathered red gutmess smeared across dour concrete Mondayscape

Attack: Cat (claws)

Defence: Cat (teeth)

Power: Low; you might want to plug in your charger

Health: Supplemented

Morality:

Before making any decision it is wise to consult the Simple English Wikipedia article on ‘Ethics’

Net Worth:

Mostly tied up in the big plastic screen-accurate Jurassic Park T. rex I bought three years ago

What d'ya think o' me mother?

Deeply suspect

Length of willy or husband's willy:

It’s a policy of mine never to release any personal dimensions (in case of 3D printing)

Favourite shape (No 3D ones please):

The jagged, homely outline of Derbyshire, vestigial organ on a dying map. when the mortician holds my brain up to the light, they will find Derbyshire in silhouette

Dogroy’s questions had to be transcribed for him by his mother because he is retarded.