DOGROY interviews Tony Battersby from Bye Bye Burnage

Shplain who y’are.

The North West’s (Former) Top Blade Runner from Burnage 2040. I track down rogue robots.

What brings ya to these here parts?

Ya said they’d be free booze and sausage rolls. Time travel.

What's yer greatest crime?

There was this time I was up in front of The Hague International Court for War Crimes but it wer all a big misunderstanding.

What's yer weapon of choice?

Laser tube

What's the most powerfulest thing ya've ever done?

Good question. Thank you for asking.

What is your favourite poo?

The Lloyds Bank Corpolite, a 20cm long, 5CM wide Viking turd dug up in York. That poor Viking must have thought Valhalla itself was coming out of his arse. Oh, you mean me own? Those ones you get after necking certain hallucinogenic substances then. ‘Shamanic Shits’ I call ‘em.

What's yer fayvorit bayst te ryde or get ryd by?

Me Carebot, Luv-E when they give me a piggyback down the pub. ‘Bout the only thing it ever does right.

If ya were the High King o' the Land, what would ya be at?

I’d be bringing the snakes back. Free range serpents really tie a place together nicely.

What's the most spine tingling thing ya've ever seen?

Listen our kid, I’ve seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, I watched c beams glitter… alright, so I haven’t seen any of that fucking bollocks. Probably me mate Dave getting a bucket bong trapped on his head then.

Attack:

Robots

Defence:

(Some) Humans

Power:

Off Fear: Me

Smell:

Me Wealth: Me?

What d'ya think o' me mother?

A fine, upstanding woman and more useful than any frigging robot. Nice teeth, very clean.

Length of willy or husband's willy:

Loch Ness Monster.