DOGROY interviews comedian Mama Duck

Shplain who y'are.

I'm Mama Duck, the infamous bawdy Aussie BBW

Where'd ya come outta?

I emerged gratefully from my even more grateful mother in a birthing suite supervised by a bitter nun in Western Australia in 1970.

What brings ya to these here parts?

I married an Irishman for my sins, came to Mayo in 2016 where I became marrooned on the island through child hostage taking (by the same Irishman).

What's yer greatest crime?

My greatest crime is yet to be discovered by the media so I'm living it up until they catch me.

What's yer weapon of choice?

Either a vintage letter opener between the ribs or reducing my enemy to jellied confusion with merest flash of my gee.

What's the most powerfulest thing ya've ever done?

I'm mighty powerful and my tales are the stuff of legend but probably beginning a stripper career aged 37 size 18 takes more guts than a bucket of cows bladders.

What is your opinion on poo?

Cold water and soap flakes will shift most orgy stains.

What's yer fayvorit bayst te ryde or get ryd by?

My most favourite bayst to be rode by would be the one with two backs. Maybe 4, at the most. I never let an opportunity for a good romp go by and I can tame most baysts.

If ya were the High King o' the Land, what would ya be at?

When I'm King of this High Land, I will decree Dogroy's Mother's Day to be July 12th with compulsory mead and suckling pig for all citizens. Plus housing cos fuck Fianna Fáil.

What's the most spine tingling thing ya've ever seen?

Most spine tingling thing I've seen is a Limerick bus driver convince a yank tourist that the froth on a Guinness only comes frompure black Irish cows. That shit is cold blooded.

Attack:

From the front. I'm noble.

Defence:

While I was attacking from the front nobly my enemies (dazzled by my lilly white cleavage) fell with surprise into the booby trapped trench my many men had dug in advance. Always do your recce before a mission.

Power:

Tremble as I suck this golf ball through a garden hose before your very eyes!

Health:

I enjoy the rudest of Health!

Morality:

Morality for Mama Duckis human decency utterly unrelated to old nonces in frocks dictating rules on when a hymen can be sacrificed to churchgoing males. Be kind and forgive. Preferably naked.

Net Worth:

As a Godess walking among you on this mortal plain I'm invaluable but as a preospective portfolio I can't afford a pot to piss in.

What d'ya think o' me mother?

Dogroy's mother is worth her weight in gold or feathers. Whichever is heaviest.

Length of willy or husband's willy:

All willys are equal in my eyes. Size doesn't matter when you're flicking the bean in the realm of celtic screaming fantasy... voices alone can drop knickers at 100 paces, lord knows what Irish boys could achieve if they harness the power of the accents... possibly it's the truth behind the immaculate conception... virgin Mary ever caught wind of Hozier she'd be Octomum. Blindboy Boatclub probably has spawned online just by virtue of his pronunciation of 'boys and girls'.

Favourite shape (No 3D ones please):

Celtic triple spiral of Newgrange, it's tattooed on my forearm

Dogroy’s questions had to be transcribed for him by his mother because he is retarded.