DOGROY interviews comedian Alan Jay Byrne

Shplain who y'are

I am a human man person, I do stand-up comedy and make silly podcasts and write short stories.

Where'd ya come outta?

Cork via China Via Saudi Arabia via Canada via London .

What brings ya to these here parts?

I came to see you Dogroy you are so good and kind and wonderful. Is it possible for me to leave this basement? Maybe just for a few minutes to use a real toilet I promise not to run away.

What's yer greatest crime?

I was complicit in the murder of Zig and Zag.

What's yer weapon of choice?

Love and Forgiveness… even for people who would lock someone in a basement. I’d forgive them and I wouldn’t ever even tell the police.

What's the most powerfulest thing ya've ever done?

I saved a baby who got onto a train by itself without its parents by prying open the doors and handing it back to the mother. Everyone onboard was super annoyed at me for making the train late.

What is your opinion on poo?

I’m generally in favour, although context is important. I love pooing in this bucket but like I said being able to go use a real toilet upstairs would be great, especially if there is a window in the toilet that can open wide enough for a human to squeeze through.

What is your favourite poo?

Winnie

What's yer fayvorit bayst te ryde or get ryd by?

Consent is very important to me so it would have to be some very horny animal that’s fully up for it like maybe a dolphin… but finding a scuba suit with a willy flap has so far proved challenging.

If ya were the High King o' the Land, what would ya be at?

I’d give anyone a 10% income tax rebate for anyone who erects a 6ft plus tall statue of a willy [or vagina] prominently in their front gardens. Statues can be hand crafted or purchased from ‘Alan’s Dong’s Direct.’ TD’s will be chosen based on how well they fare on a Gladiators style TV show called ‘Savage Langers’. Oh and I’d make a national holiday celebrating Dogroy for being so kind and amazing for letting me out of the basement.

What's the most spine tingling thing ya've ever seen?

I went over to an Inuit lads house for dinner and he had a big cut off polar bear’s leg in the middle of the room and his wife cooked some for us. It tasted like fishy beef and was pretty good. This is actually a true story.

Attack: Witty comments

Defence: Remembering that 99.9% of everyone you meet, does not cares what you do or who you are.

Power: Rangers

Health: Too much cake

Morality: Only when necessary

Net Worth: My current net collection is probably worth around 300 euro. I have a fishing-net, a mosquito net, a drag-net and and I’m currently in between inter-nets.

What d'ya think o' me mother?

Honestly I love when your mother visits me in this basement, she looks a lot like you but in a dress. She keeps saying she would love to let me out but that she is afraid of what you might do ahaha. But I think she really should follow her heart and do what she thinks is right because after all she is your real mother and not just some alternate personality of yours and you should listen to her for sure.

Length of willy or husband's willy:

6ft in the front garden [as per new govt policy]

Favourite shape (No 3D ones please):

Probably an oval or a circle - I don’t get the point of squares and triangles.

Dogroy’s questions had to be transcribed for him by his mother because he is retarded.